SENNA

There are very few instances in my life i actually cry. I think myself to be rather hard when it comes to sentiments and feelings, as i'm sure a lot you do. Whatever reputation i have earned myself over the years it isn't being a softy that's for sure.

However, i do cry. Seeing my mother cry makes me sad, but i do not cry. However seeing my father cry does, something i have never understood, perhaps something to do with the childlike belief that is the invincible father. I do cry at funerals. I cried last year during the summer when i had received my poor exam results, was working 9-5:30, 6 days a week and felt a load of pressure upon my shoulders. Looking back i was perhaps suffering from depression, certainly exhaustion. I just wanted to be alone, i had problems that i wanted to sort out on my own. I put the then girlfriend Katy through it, and i'm ever grateful for her shoulder, but the truth is she deserves credit for sticking with me in a time when i was in a bad place. Something went wrong. I'm not sure what it was but it had gone wrong. Many evenings i would just come home from work, and cry. None of you will know this, but i feel maybe now is a time to share it.

I rarely however cry at films. I think maybe when i was younger i might had cried at Titanic. Interestingly i cried in the Lion King when Simba's dad died, again perhaps something to do with the invincible father ideal.

There's a film called Reign over me, with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle, about Post Traumatic Stress disorder and other psychological illnesses. I'm not sure why i cried during that film.

On Saturday, June 4th i cried at a film. I was watching Senna, the movie about the great racing driver.

I think many misunderstood him as a man, however the film was an enlightening look into the life he lead, one of honesty, faith and perfection. The truth is, while fully aware of his fame, he seemed very humble from looking at the footage in the film. Prior to the film, Championship rival Alain Prost seems to come off better, the bigger man, but this is perhaps not the case. What i saw of him, and what he said in the film fell not too far short of inspiring. The truth is, today there are few racing drivers that actually can come across as inspiring. Schumacher used to do it for me, but with hindsight, the great Schumacher has nothing on the astounding Brazilian, Ayrton Senna.

Of course, the film shows his death. It is built up hugely, the weekend of his death had footage lasting for what felt like half an hour. Rubens Barrichello crashed heavily in Friday Qualifying, but came out unscathed. Senna was moved, distraught, i am reading a biography of him at the moment, and he actually didn't want to race that weekend, he felt that scared for his life around the Imola circuit. The weekend would have been tarred anyway, as during Saturday Qualifying Roland Ratzenburger crashed heavily and died from his injuries later that day. Formula 1 hadn't seen anything like it for quite some time, so a lot of the pit lane were troubled by undoubtedly a huge tragedy.

Tragedy however struck again. After 7 laps Senna's crashed crashed heavily into Tamburello corner. He sat motionless. No marshal attempted to help the man. Both my mother and father saw the race, both horrified as they saw a man, lifeless within the cockpit, seeing the marshal's backing off. Everyone knew something was wrong. The brilliant Prof. Sid Watkins, the Formula 1 mechanic did all he could. In fact before the race Watkins had predicted "there's going to be a fucking accident", in response to the danger of the circuit. What killed him isn't known, although it was likely to be a suspension piece penetrating his helmet, and causing fatal stress wounds to his skull.

While the music and atmospheric conditions built up the tension during the film, something made it all the more moving than that. He was a hero, in Brazil and Worldwide. Laying in the Navy Blue overall's of his Williams team, surrounded by medical staff, we saw a great man fallen, helpless. The once touted invincible had succumbed to injury's received whilst performing his natural calling, racing a car. At the time millions watched, helpless themselves, as they saw a man losing his life.

The Senna film is different. Hero's are depicted regularly in TV and film. But what we were watching was something i haven't seen before. He was not fictional, he was a man. This is what i think moved me. Despite the accolades, the brilliance and the championships, he was not immortal after all. I can only hope he is remembered as the best ever. He was only 34.

Hero, villain or man he finally was at complete peace in the grace of God. Both men and hero's fall. Perhaps it is times like this, we realise that we all fall. We will all fall.

Senna.